This house is pretty big but because of all of the hard surfaces, sound carries. Sasha growled a bit in the middle of the night, waking me up enough to shush her. She growled again and I woke up completely, listening for what I thought was part of a dream. Lisa, LISA! Up I jump and start padding across the bedroom and to the first baby gate that divides the portions of the house and keeps the pets of the two households away from one another. LISA! I'm COMING! I get into mom's bedroom and there she is, as if praying, holding on to her walker with her arms while kneeling. Lisa, I fell out of bed and can't get up. I try to lift her and she says, no...get Rod. I hurry back in here and pull him out of a deep sleep. Get up, I need you to help me get mom back into bed. A couple of minutes pass and we both pad back out there and into her bedroom. She tells us that she fell and can't get back up and so we both grab an arm and use all of our might to get this big woman back to the edge of her bed. Oh nooooooo...when she fell, it was face first into a piece of furniture and so her nose was nicked as were other parts of her face. Blood had been running down her face. She wonders aloud why I had not heard her for so long but I had no answer for her other than I was deep in REM sleep and I am here NOW.
Let's back up. For the past few days, she has been in some distress...coughing and getting weaker. It seemed as though every time I got her in to the kitchen for a meal, she would be sassy for a few minutes and then fall asleep as soon as we left the table. Bonk. I have caught her sleeping sitting up on the side of her bed and that is what happened last night, she was asleep sitting up and took and nosedive, literally. She looks like she was in a car accident and this morning, when she came out for breakfast (for a few short minutes of being with it) her face was awash in dried blood from her sleep. OYYYYYYYYYYYYY. You see, after we got her back into bed this morning at 3, I just felt that I needed to go back out to check on her because I had told her that there was to be no more sitting on the edge of the bed. Yup, still sitting on the edge of the bed. I hear that the sun went into Sagittarius about that time and I just stiffened up, pulled back her covers and hollered at her about lying down in the bed. I pulled the covers up around her and tucked her in and said good night.
So, this morning, after breakfast, I tried to have a heart to heart talk with her about how she was going to have to adhere to some safety rules now (I did not say OR you will have to go live in a facility) and they are...if you want to sit up while napping, this has to be done in your sitting room and if you go into your bedroom, you must get into the bed and LIE DOWN. The woman fell asleep as I was talking to her. There is a lot of eye rolling and raised eyebrow stuff going on between me and Rod about this time, to be sure. I got her into her sitting room, covered her with a blanket and called it a morning.
I'm telling you, it is true...I am in School now, learning to care for this last elder in an up close and personal manner. I left home at 18 because my mother tried to control every bit of my life including a bedtime when I was in COLLEGE. I was an only child and had to help her with everything because she sang in the SF Opera and needed her rest during the day so that she could be over there until late at night. I guess that is why this period of forgiveness and last Doing for Mom is such a learning experience for me. I am forgiving her for all of the pain and non mothering. I am forgiving her for her lack of generosity. She has had the distinct privilege of being folded into this family, being allowed to know me as an adult with a long time marriage, two wonderful adult children and a very special little being in her great grandson. It is my last gift to her to allow her to be here and she is allowing me to care for her as I release each of the bits of pain and disappointment.
I have not gone into the dye room for the last couple of days because heartbreak and dyes do not mix well. :o) I have, however been spinning and spinning and spinning from a giant pile of cashmere. It is work and it is soothing.
Who knows how much longer mom will be with me but suffice it to say that when she is ready to leave, I will be fine with the going because she is going to slide into Home with a body that is scuffed and worn out right to the nub. She is ripe and ready for the journey and I am ready for the release. She is tucked up in the bed with a colorful patchwork quilt, with a handmade basket of feathers at her bedside. When she leaves, we will both feel a lot lighter and my stepfather can quit pressing his nose against the ether...come get her, already. Sheesh.
I wish you and your mom all kinds of peace. I can't even imagine having to care for a parent that way, especially as I'm embarking on my first experience of parenting my own child.
You are so strong and it sounds like you are making peace with your situation. I wish you lots of love!
Posted by: Cara | November 20, 2007 at 05:59 PM
boy howdy, do i understand! my mother lives on her own, and i call and check on her almost daily. and she'd been telling me she was fine. she's been ill recently, and mysteriously so for a good part of it, so when i went to pick her up last saturday, and she was swelled up like a toad, i about lost it. she was admitted to the hospital. we are having a serious talk about what "fine" and "okay" really are, and that if she's not feeling the greatest, TELL ME! she doesn't drive, and is deaf, so she depends on me for transportation and translation. i wish she'd let me take better care of her. sigh.
here's hoping it happens easily w hen it does. *hugs*
Posted by: minnie | November 20, 2007 at 10:04 PM
Not a lot of people could do what you're doing. Go Lisa. Go Rod. And I'm wishing you had (if it would help) a hospital bed so you could put the sides up at night like a baby's crib.
Posted by: AlisonH | November 20, 2007 at 11:07 PM
You are doing an amazing job! What a husband too. I'll have you in my thoughts.
Posted by: elizabeth | November 21, 2007 at 03:16 AM
You are amazing and so strong. I have some of the same issues with my mother (the controlling part) and I don't think I could do what you are doing. I hope all of you have a peaceful holiday.
Posted by: Jody | November 21, 2007 at 08:25 AM
Oh Lisa,
God bless you!!!! 3 years ago we moved my mom down here to be close to us and to live with my bro and his wife as she was diagnosed with lymphoma and was failing. She had to stay with us for a weekend while my bro got his house ready for her. I live in an old Victorian with the only bath on the 2nd floor. The first night, she refused to put us out of our bedroom, insisted on sleeping downstairs on the pull out sofa. It was like having a 200 lb baby in the house. She tried to negotiate our long steep stairs at least 3 times through the night to get to the bathroom and scared the sh$% out of me each time. She had just gotten out of the hospital after spending a week in bed and could only walk short distances with a walker. We got her to my bro's house and sadly, within a month the treatment and the cancer left her paralyzed, and a year later dead. I still miss her terribly. Don't mean to depress you with this. Just to let you know that I'm with you in this in spirit at least and praying for you and your family. You've got a tough road ahead, there is help out there, use it!!
Posted by: Momtat | November 21, 2007 at 08:53 AM
Lots of love and good wishes for peace and patience. This is a very trying time for your whole family, but I hope all of our love, prayers and support help just a little.
Just breathe deeply. It helps.
Posted by: kit | November 21, 2007 at 08:56 AM
I hear you. Keep in mind she's probably doing the best she can. My dad Has Issues too. My sister thinks that if she just tells him something often enough, he'll remember. She hasn't really realized yet that he just can't. She thinks he's lying to her about what he's done, but the truth is, he just doesn't remember.
He is, at least so far, physically well and active. But the dad I knew a few years ago is mostly gone already.
((((Hugs))))
Posted by: Janice in GA | November 21, 2007 at 11:47 AM
Oh sweetie, your readers have already left you such wonderful, inspirational comments, that I am left speechless. I do hope for peace and strength as you move through this phase of life.
Hugs and happy thanksgiving.
Posted by: Jen Johansson | November 21, 2007 at 12:16 PM
I hope that your Thanksgiving is Peaceful and Light!!
You and Rod are definitely Angels for your Mom!
Take rest when you can, breathe deep...and know that you are all sent a lot of strength to get through this!
Not always easy coming IN or Getting OUT!
Posted by: Sheila E | November 21, 2007 at 03:39 PM
May your Thanksgiving be a day of peace with all the blessings of your love for one another.
Posted by: AlisonH | November 21, 2007 at 09:12 PM
More sighs! More hugs! More love to you and Rod!
Posted by: Faylene | November 23, 2007 at 12:10 PM
ouch. Such pain and reality and working through the leftovers of the parental stuff, then coming to grips with mortality, and senility, and the appearance of volition when she has none. Virtual *hug* to you. It is so hard.
Posted by: Laurie | November 23, 2007 at 02:02 PM
Hang in there. It takes a special person to take care of an elderly parent. You have my admiration. You might consider getting a baby monitor so if something happens again, you will hear her more quickly. Just a thought.
Posted by: morandia | November 23, 2007 at 03:11 PM
Oh Lisa. I just can't even imagine. Sometimes, as horrible as it sounds, I feel lucky that my mom died young and I never had to see her get old or sick. :( You are in my thoughts.
Posted by: scout | November 23, 2007 at 07:25 PM
Wow, Lisa. I took care of my father in law here at home till he died; but we had a good relationship. It was VERY difficult at times, but there wasn't the emotional baggage I would have if my mother were here, which she absolutely wouldn't be.
You are doing a wonderful thing, having her there with you, forgiving her. The latter I am doing with my own mother, slowly.
It's my prayer that out of the difficulty of these days new colorways will be born in you... kind of like beauty for ashes.
Posted by: Mokihana | November 24, 2007 at 03:58 PM
Lisa, know that my thoughts are with your along this journey.
Posted by: marti | November 24, 2007 at 08:28 PM
Lisa, those of us fortunate enought to have our parents grow old must deal with these issues. It's awful to have to become the parent. Sometimes the only thing that can get you through is your sense of humor-for our family, the more twisted the better. My girls are my strength-they have shared the burden of my mother dying of lung cancer and dealing with an aging, stubborn and independent father. Hang in there girl, and don't forget, there are plenty of us baby boomers out here sharing your pain and frustration. And most importantly, remember to take care of yourself-and laugh.
Posted by: Linda | November 25, 2007 at 09:49 AM
Oh, Lisa...there's just nothing more to say that hasn't already been said. I'm thinking of you, and you and your mother are both in my meditations. Although I haven't shared this experience, all my thoughts are with you both. Take a big hug and a deep breath, my friend.
Posted by: Sam | November 25, 2007 at 09:22 PM
I love that you can still find some humour in the midst of everything that's going on. That's my girl!
Posted by: Tom Clark | November 26, 2007 at 12:19 PM
Ohhh Lisa. I am so sorry. Don't know what to say, to be honest. But I will be thinking of you and yours. You are an amazing woman......and you got yourself a really great DH!:-)
Posted by: Helle Reed | November 27, 2007 at 05:17 PM
Wow - as I read this, tears come to my eyes. I lost my mom this year and it has been so hard. From your words, you sound like you have things so together. You are a strong amazing woman and my heart is with you. Remember to take time for yourself so that you have the strength and humor to deal with whatever comes.
Posted by: Lisa | December 02, 2007 at 05:09 AM